Self Reference
I feel awkward writing the following section about myself rather than jumping straight to the topic, but I think it may help clear some misunderstandings about writing.
If you want to accompany me in this group therapy section, which may help you sort your own feelings, continue reading. Otherwise, feel free to jump to the following section.
I promise the rest of the content related to Confluence will be more direct to what you want to know!
When I was in High School, we had to choose between two types of electives: scientific and Humanities. You would expect that because I work now in technology or always had that predisposition, I was going to be a scientific student, but nope, I chose Humanities instead.
It wasnāt because I was eager to improve my writing skills, read books and poems, and spend time dwelling on finding other meanings in them. I just wanted to be in a class with cute girls, and it seemed like an easy/obvious option.
Thinking back, I was more in line with what youād expect from the archetype of a Rudeus (Mushoku Tensei), Zenitsu (Demon Slayer), or Mineta (My Hero Academia)āan average teenager. Iāve come a long way since thenāIām a decent person now. But I digress.
I ended up being dead wrong. It was a lot of work, reading, and making reports about every small thing we read.
What happened was that we had the āluckā that the new teachers for our generation were from prestigious Universities and had the mentality of getting their students at that level before getting into the university. I can remember my classmates excited about that and myself internally screaming.
I made it through, but I cried my way to graduation. If someone had told me back then that those skills would eventually lead to better pay and more opportunities, I would have called it bullshit, but it turned out to be true.
This introduction is to say that I was not born loving writing and reading, so I can understand why most people dislike or want to avoid āspendingā time on it at all costs.
I began to read by my own will when I was about to start university at 17. While working in the summers, I didnāt have enough signal to use my phone or other ways to distract myself after work during vacations and long weekends away from home.
On a side note, thanks to ChatGPT, I have been able to regain and quickly search things that I didnāt have mapped, like the following quotes that I couldnāt recall fully, but can convey my feelings:
āThe tragedy of reading great works of literature in school is that they are often pushed upon students too early, before they are ready to truly understand or appreciate them.ā - C.S. Lewis.
I was surrounded by classmates who were almost euphoric about the promise of becoming smarter by honing their skills, while I just wanted a decent job in technology so I could do my own thing.
There was nothing wrong with them; I realize now that I was the one who lacked the mental maturity to appreciate certain things. I just had a clear sense of how I wanted to move forward, and that was enough for me, anything else seemed like pipe dreams.
āThere are two types of kids. One will say āWhy didnāt you make me learn to play the piano?ā The other will say āWhy did you make me learn to play the piano?āā - David Foster Wallace
Still, being out of tune with others, and being forced to learn led me to believe that I wasnāt normal or didnāt fit their definition of smart. You know, the idea that āif you donāt do or act a certain way, youāre out of the leagueā. I didnāt buy into that notion of a definitive advantage over others, thanks to the ādeep understanding of underlying themesā. Still, the truth is that even a slight advantage can sometimes make all the difference.
Looking back, I felt that I lacked a reason or meaning behind my actions to move forward. But I kept learning, and I still am. The difference is that the foundation of pain helped me develop more tolerance for spending time on things.
I realized when I started university and then working (in tech) that people often didnāt give it more thought to writing and other things, even thought they were still mandatory and part of the general expectations.
// I think I learned a lot from the forewords in science fiction books, where editors shared their thoughts and opinions about the book and other related sources. It was insightful, and I usually skipped those things if they were present during any mandatory High School book.
At 28, I find myself with the technical proficiency of someone in their mid-30s. But back when I was 19, I would often see people around 27 or 28 being celebrated as geniuses or experts in talks and courses, and I couldnāt quite relate.